Hi Reader,
My husband and I watch a lot of true crime —because people are weird and fascinating— and those documentaries often spark deep conversations in our house about what we think/feel we know about people vs. what’s actually provable, which is why a jury can be so dicey!
It’s both interesting and a little uncomfortable when you realize how often our brains just fill in the blanks. Yesterday, we were out on the back deck with Luna 🐾, soaking up the sunshine and rehashing one of our favorite recurring topics of late —a psychological cocktail of truths that are startlingly uncomfortable:
- We can NEVER ever know what someone else is actually thinking, for certain. 😳
- Feelings are NOT facts; facts are based on empirical evidence.
- Humans don't like missing information so we fill in the gaps with our assumptions; often those are negative.
- Correlation does not equal causation; if 2 things happen at the same time, 1 didn't necessarily cause the other.
I know that as you read through that list, you're saying "but, Katelyn..." 😂
I get it!
Hear me out:
You can NEVER get inside someone else's head & hear their thoughts. The best we can do is ask them what they're thinking, but humans are capable of lying. Even if there's trust between you, the potential of a lie is still possible, which means everything we think we know about anyone else is not based in fact, it's based on interpretation of the past history of their actions. 🤭
Facts can be proven by evidence, but nothing can "prove" your feelings because those happen inside your brain, and we just established that no one can ever know with 100% certainty what we're thinking. Just because your feelings are valid or even appropriate, does not mean the feeling itself represents a fact. So if you feel like you're right in thinking the sky is bright red, but science proves the sky is not red at all, your feeling about that fact is just that: a feeling. 🫣
We hate mysteries, we don't like open loops, we need closure, we want answers, we don't like being left out, —so we fill in the gaps to close them ourselves. The problem is that because we can't accurately know what caused someone else to do something we don't understand, our assumptions of their reasoning are often based on our own insecurities, vulnerabilities, and fears.
- Think about it:
If I text my sister or a friend something kinda vulnerable… and they don’t reply. My brain could immediately start scripting a dramatic soap opera: “He's mad at me.” or “She's pulling away.” or “I overshared and now s/he's avoiding me.” But maybe s/he was in the grocery store. Or sick. Or dealing with her/his own stuff and didn’t have the energy to respond thoughtfully, marked it as unread when they opened it & forgot about it after s/he couldn't respond right away. The silence wasn’t personal — but my brain made it personal, because silence is an open loop and we’re not great at leaving those loops open.
- In fact, 'Open Loops' create intrigue. Click bait. That's what makes you want to open an email, pick that TV show/movie, click play on a YouTube video, or choose that blog post in a Google search. When the title is that good at opening the loop –without closing it– AND you're interested in the topic, you want to close the loop!
We also tend to assume that when two things happen near each other, one caused the other — but that’s not always how life works. Just because you posted a reel and didn’t get any inquiries that same day, doesn’t mean the reel “flopped” or that your audience isn’t interested. Correlation is just timing. Causation takes time, patterns, and context. It’s not always instant. (When you plant a seed, it won't sprout the same day. 🌱)
So the next time you find yourself spiraling because your post didn’t perform the way you expected, etc —pause and ask yourself: “Am I looking at facts… or just filling in the gaps with fiction?”
Put your thoughts on trial. 🧑⚖️
Literally. This is a real exercise my husband taught & walked through with his patients as a therapist. 👇🏼
Write down a list of your (potentially spiraling) thoughts, then make two columns underneath it: Defense vs. Prosecution. Then ask yourself:
- Which of these thoughts could actually hold up in court?
- What’s based on provable evidence?
- What’s based on feelings, interpretation, assumptions, &/or speculation?
Whichever side has more facts is the winner of the mental trial on those thoughts. (Your honor, objection: hearsay! 😅)
A silly but relatable example:
Let’s say someone sees their two friends posting pictures on social media from a dinner they weren’t invited to. Instantly, they begin to spiral, assuming & thinking things like:
“They’re mad at me. I must have done something wrong. I’m being pushed out of the group. Should I confront them? Should I just ignore it &/or let it go? Should I abandon them first so I don't get hurt?” 👀💔
Let’s put that line of thought on trial:
- Have they ever hung out without you before? Yes.
- Did it mean they were mad at you then? No.
- Have you ever hung out with one of them without inviting the other? Also yes.
- Is there any evidence they’re currently upset with you? Nope.
- Did you recently say or do something that would logically upset them? Not that you can think of.
- Could they have simply made last-minute plans? Or needed a quiet catch-up without the full group? Yes, that’s totally possible.
- Do adults sometimes hang out without inviting everyone? Literally all the time.
- Are you making this mean something it may not? Yep.
So… is there enough actual evidence to convict them of “intentionally excluding you because they secretly hate you”?
🧑⚖️ Verdict: Not Guilty.
The spiral rests. 😂
How this shows up in our businesses (aka: thoughts worth putting on trial)
- “That client didn’t reply to my email — they must hate the work I sent.”
👉 Or… are they just in back-to-back Zoom meetings and haven’t even seen it yet?
- “I lost a couple followers after posting that opinion — I must’ve offended people.”
👉 Or… did a few bots get cleared out and the algorithm just did its thing?
- “No one commented on my video — it must not have resonated.”
👉 Or… is everyone silently watching while folding laundry and not commenting on anything right now, including their own mom’s birthday post?
- “They viewed the proposal but didn’t book — I’m clearly too expensive.”
👉 Or… are they waiting for their next paycheck? Talking it over with a biz partner? Still weighing options?
- “My open rate dropped this week — I’m losing my audience.”
👉 Or… was it just a busy week? A less spicy subject line? Summer slowdown?
- “That person unsubscribed from my list right after I launched — they’re annoyed.”
👉 Or… they weren’t planning to buy and cleaned out their inbox. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
- “I got zero likes on that post — I’m bad at marketing.”
👉 Or… you posted during a dead time, didn’t use a good hook &/or your people just didn’t see it. Easy to fix.
- "Their response was short & less friendly than usual – I've upset them."
👉 Or… they were responding from their phone or were busy & couldn't expand on it at that moment. They'll probably say more later!
Most of the time, these thoughts feel true — but they don’t hold up under questioning. So next time your brain starts building a case for why you suck, or they suck, don’t panic… just put the thoughts on trial. Ask what empirical evidence you actually have. You’ll either catch a faulty belief or find a genuine insight — and both are a win. 👏
Even better: it'll help you make more informed business decisions that skip over the roller coaster of emotions.
